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Sometimes two people have the same point of view about something, but differ in how to acheive the outcome associated with that point of view and the importance of that objective. Some musings from one of those two people...
You asked the other day in the car why the
big sigh? Let me try and explain.
You and I have been muddling about in this  Poly-sexual
swamp for a while, like two lost sheep looking for the path to green pastures
of enlightenment. Where is the shepherd
to guide us on this path of our growing emotional and sexual enlightenment? We have
been searching for enlightenment and guidance for a number of years but the
only knowledge we have gathered regarding our Polyamorous leanings has been from
underground or isolated communities on the net, or from small groups of people
finding their way along the same path and who often know less than we do. Why
can’t we walk into the “Institute for Responsible Non-Monogamists” and grab a
brochure that explains what we are feeling, why we are feeling it, how we can
express and act on our desires in a constructive way, with whom and where can
we meet them?
We have a special, but not unique, relationship.
The nature of our relationship allows us to share ourselves, and each other,
with other people. You know what I mean by sharing ourselves - we have
discussed it a thousand times! We are comfortable sharing some of our emotional
and physical selves with other people. We are also comfortable with each other
sharing some of our emotional and physical selves with others - within the
bounds we agreed early on. In fact, not only do we approve of each other exploring
intimate (sexual and/or non-sexual) relationships with others we like and
trust, but we encourage and support each other to do so.
I know I am going over old ground but I see
our relationship as very special in two ways. The first is from the perspective
of between just you and me. Our relationship is such that we trust and
understand each other implicitly. Therefore we are secure and not threatened by
allowing each other to give to others what would traditionally be reserved for
only us (if we look at it from the perspective of the broad, generally
accepted, definition of marriage). This is a gift we have given each other and
provides our relationship with another dimension that is not that common. It’s
a gift we have given each other to allow each other to have new experiences
with others in a responsible non-destructive way.
The second way our relationship is special
is that we have so much to share with others. We want to share emotional
intimacy (kindness, friendship, trust, tenderness, love) and physical intimacy
(cuddling, flirting, touching, kissing, Sex) with others that we consider close
and like minded friends. We want to be poly-intimate – intimate (emotionally
and physically) with others. We have such a wonderful gift to give! It is
something precious and rare to offer selected and trusted friends in our
lives. We can give a richness and joy to
our friendships that can potentially elevate them into a relationship that
transcends the normal boundaries of mainstream friendship experiences. It can
add new and beautiful mental, emotional and physical levels to what we would
normally consider friendships. Our outlook on physical and emotional intimacy
is something we give to each other and offer it to others too.
We can and have
given the gift of our companionship,
caring, support, trust, tenderness, warmth, love, lust, minds and
bodies to
others (and others have the same to offer us). We have had only few
opportunities to share this gift. Why? Because what we, and a minority
of others,
believe in is not considered mainstream; it goes against generally
accepted
parameters of friendships, relationships and Monogamous customs and
this makes it more difficult for us to acheive. This is not a
criticism of mainstream society or our friends, this is just the way
our friends have been brought up and choose to live their lives this
way, as we should all have the right to do. However,
you and I choose something different.
You and I have had many conversations on
how we would classify ourselves. While we agree that we must resist any labels,
or being boxed into a particular ‘type’, we do need to be able to articulate
and understand where our perspective and attitudes fit within the ‘relationship
type’ spectrum. If we don’t have language and concepts to describe this, we
will never understand our place and our views.
So how do we describe our outlook? Are we monogamists?
We started out that way but as time exposed us to more and more alternative
ways of thinking about relationships, our views became more accepting of these
alternatives. Are we then Polygamists? Not quite, we don’t want to be married
to multiple partners as you and I are still the most important people to each
other, the people we want to share 99% of our time, minds and bodies with. Then
there are polyamorists, people with Primary and Secondary relationships and
then some partners that practise responsible non-Monogamy with consenting
partners. While this category is closest to what we feel, it still isn’t quite
there.
We are not looking for Primary partners and
Secondary partners. We still only have one partner but we are looking for
friends where the boundaries of the friendship are extended to include a
greater emotional and physical intimacy. So does that mean if we are not
Polyamorists, in the generally accepted understanding of the term, that we are
Polyintimates? Bear with me, I think I am making up terms. Polyintamacy for us means that we are emotionally and physically
intimate with some friends.
We’ve had the
great pleasure of
experiencing this a few times in the past. You remember Steve, you had
a level
of affection and physical intimacy with him that you both savoured and
enjoyed.
He was nervous at first about this but he soon realised that this
wasn’t
something you were doing behind his best friends back, that it was
honest and
transparent to me. He adored you, he was my best and closest friend and
he
cherished the way our friendship had a new level of emotional and
physical
intimacy. He treasured the way you touched him, your hand on his thigh
or around
his waist at the bar or the warm and lingering kiss hello or goodbye,
or the way you ravished eachother's bodies in fits of lust and passion
or the
way we would all sit cuddled on the couch in our underwear and watch
movies, or
in the Spa, naked and drunk on cheap wine, love and life. Or remember
Carolyn,
when she used to stay over and we would all share our double bed. You
two would
be in your skimpy satin nighties and would tease me, nibbling my ears
and
pressing your bodies against me and kiss me and run your hands over me
and then we would all fall asleep in each
others arms.
Some days I am
passive about meeting other
like minded people and I think maybe one day we will find someone to
share our
gift with, maybe not. This is your view - if it occurs again it would
be great and if it doesn't, then it doesn't. I respect your views. But
some days I think
we should actively find someone to share our gift with, someone to
experience
the joy of our intimacy. I fear that one
day we will be old and always wonder what it would have been like and never be
able to go back to and experience it.
That was why I sighed. I was sad because we have a beautiful,
tender,
intimate gift to share but no one to share it with. I do respect your
wishes and your approach, and I will wait for you, however some days I
can’t stop thinking about all that potential...
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