When Three's Not A Crowd

OPENING A CONVERSATION ABOUT MULTIPLE LOVERS, HONESTY AND RESPECT IS NO SIMPLE MATTER, SAYS REBECCA FITZGIBBON

- article originally published Hobart Mercury 23/2/2008 -

THE thought-provoking Big Love returns to Tasmanian television screens tonight, as SBS repeats the challenging drama about a Mormon polygamist family in Utah.

The series caused only a few ripples of disapproval when it aired last year, even though it coincided with a real-life news story of a Mormon "prophet" accused of incest and rape.

But Polygamy is only one form of Polyamory and the creators of Big Love aimed to show that Polyamorous relationships aren't just for fringe cults

The word "polyamory" comes from the Latin for "many loves". Also called "consensual non-Monogamy", polyamory is essentially a romantic relationship involving more than two people.

A defining factor of Poly relationships is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else's involvement.

Former Tasmanian Shane Jones is administrator of the Australian online network of poly communities, PolyOz (polyoz.dhs.org).

Now living in Victoria, he believes the important goal is encouraging understanding. "Big Love does actually portray well in that the women are there by their own choosing they join the relationship," he said. "The important thing is that it's made clear to people that no one is coerced into it.

"[Big Love] does portray them in quite an enjoyable and recognisable light; I think anyone can relate to that. Big Love's creators have done quite well."
Channel 9 declined a first option for screening Big Love. Then, after its success on SBS, Nine approached Shane, his two female partners and other PolyOz members with an interview request from 60 Minutes.

They declined the interview, as well as one with Woman's Day, which offered $3000 each for interviews. Potential sensationalism made them wary, despite their being willing to discuss the reality of polyamorous life.

"Acceptance is the biggest thing," Shane said. "The challenge that we're facing today is probably what the gay community was facing in the '70s . . . and educating the public that we're not a bunch of child molesters or preying at large, out to get people."

The PolyOz website hosts discussion of polyamorous issues including jealousy, managing multiple incomes and raising children in poly families, as well as facilitating contact between regional networks like PolyTas.

"We get a lot of people coming to the website thinking we're a swingers' website," he said. "Sex is good, but we're not all about that."
Shane and Michelle met on an internet dating site soon after she ended a 17-year Monogamous marriage. Discovering that their children were to attend the same school in regional Victoria,they decided they could offer each other moral and emotional support living together.

"The break-up of my marriage was because my husband had an affair and did it all behind my back," Michelle said.

Shane was Open with Michelle from the start about his relationship with another woman.
Helen and her daughter visit every couple of months, which Michelle says is like having family come to stay.

"When I met him . . . I had to do some soulsearching. I looked at the positives and negatives. It ended up being that his [having a] girlfriend wasn't as big a negative as I thought it would be," she said.

"For both Shane and me, it's more a case of us being honest with the fact that we all love in different ways and there are different types of love. It doesn't have to be your traditional monogamous relationship.

"When I met him . . . I had to do some soulsearching. I looked at the positives and negatives. It ended up being that his [having a] girlfriend wasn’t as big a negative as I thought it would be," she said.

"For both Shane and me, it's more a case of us being honest with the fact that we all love in different ways and there are different types of love. It doesn't have to be your traditional monogamous relationship."

"It's not [like] going off to have an affair because it’s exciting and wrong . . . It's about being honest with our feelings and saying "Yes, I do have another partner that I care for and I still want it to be open". I found that very refreshing rather than being in a relationship where I was never allowed to tell my partner my feelings and be listened to and respected
. . . Nothing is hidden."

"Being accommodating of your partner's emotional needs with other partners is not enough  - you have to be supportive as well," she said. "Polyamory is a journey and a lifestyle evolvement. Definitely for us, it's not about sex - it's about having a loving relationship that is valid for all of us."

"Polyamory is a step back to having an extended family, only slightly different. It's more about having a true relationship with partners, not so much having a segregated family."

One man, two women is the common image of polyamorous situations, but relationships vary greatly.

Karrie Reader is a Hobart graduate student who lives with two male partners in a Triad (a three-way relationship). She discovered the PolyOz and PolyTas communities in conversation at the Falls Festival last summer, discovering that there was a term to describe the lifestyle she had lived all of her adult life.

"It was interesting to discover that there's such a variety of people who share the basic philosophy that it's perfectly normal to love multiple people, �as long as everyone knows about it." Karrie said.

"Honesty, to me, is paramount. If this person you've just fallen in love with isn't important enough to you to be completely honest, you shouldn't be with them."

It has long frustrated Karrie to see TV, books and media portraying relationships with one member hurt by his or her supposedly monogamous partner having another relationship. "Many people who try to live a monogamous lifestyle find they're in a situation where they're at least tempted," she said.

"If they choose to act on the temptation and fail to talk to their partner about it, eventually the truth will be discovered, and people will get hurt. Discussing it beforehand is to me the only sane, logical approach."

Karrie has not felt jealous of other partners herself, but if her partners are exhibiting signs of jealousy, they talk it out.

"When you're secure in yourself, you're secure in your relationships," she said. "Jealousy is a symptom, not a problem. You've got to find the problem and solve it, �and sometimes you can . . ."

The PolyTas community is supportive and welcoming, Karrie said, even if Tasmania is more conservative than other states.

Tasmania's ground-breaking relationship register is leading the nation in recognising the rights of same-sex couples, but it does not presently permit multiple relationship registration.

At present, Australians seem to be more comfortable denying the existence of an intelligent, moral polyamorous community. But Big Love provoked little controversy here, said Katherine Raskov, marketing communications manager for SBS.

"We've had a lot of positive feedback about Big Love," Raskov said. "re re-running it on Saturday nights so it's more accessible to more people. I think it appeals to a wide proportion of the community."

"It's a really entertaining program. It's a family drama, a different kind of family, but a family drama nonetheless."
- Big Love begins tonight on SBS at 8.30.

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